I'll admit it; I cheated on my husband...with anorexia.
When I was at my sickest, I did things of which I am not proud. The worst thing I did was allow anorexia to be my mistress.
It all began with innocent flirting--a skipped meal here, an extra fifteen minutes on the elliptical, a couple pounds lost. Quickly, things intensified. I thought about anorexia more, began envisioning a life together, spending less and less time with my husband.
I stayed later at work to delay or avoid dinner. I lied about eating meals. I snuck food when I would allow myself to. My sex drive vanished, and I avoided all physical contact with the man I married.
He noticed the signs, of course. But like any affair, no one wants to admit what's really happening. And so I continued, deeper and deeper into "my little secret" that was "becoming harder and harder to hide."
Eventually, the situation was no longer a secret. Anorexia had blown me in to my husband, angered by my thoughts of recovery. I was too weak, too ill, and way too entrenched to comprehend the damage this affair has caused. Not all marriages can survive this betrayal.
Mine did survive. It survived because we were both willing to do the work, both willing to hold each other up when recovery seemed insurmountable. I began to realize how my actions affected him. I am in a marriage, and thus, I have to consider someone outside of myself. If I choose not to recover, that is unfair because my life directly impacts him. Given a choice, my husband wants me to recover, and I have to respect his desires in life as well.
That said, we have had to recover together to repair the bonds severed by the disease. We were strong once before, but we are stronger than ever now. One therapist I worked with believes that eating disorders are diseases of disconnection, that eating disorders thrive and grow through isolation. I agree with her. If we disconnect from our spouses, parents, friends, and family, we are romancing a very abusive lover. We must return and reconnect with those who love us, those who like us, had no voice and control over the eating disorder usurping our lives. Eating disorders are NOT choice affairs, but they are affairs nonetheless, affairs that in which we do not want to engage. Our loved ones are there in the wings, desperately hoping we will return to them. It can't be our little secret anymore.
Cheers!
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