Frustration at Others' Forgetfulness

Growing strong in recovery makes people forget the struggles of the eating disorder.  People see how well I eat, how confident I have become, how happy, joyful, and fulfilled I am.  The fragile, emotional ghost of my past seems to fade into the distance.  I have become redefined in many people's minds.

Most of the time, this redefinition is wonderful.  I am no longer perceived as "the anorexic" or "the sick one."  I am me--the sensitive, caring one, the one who is loyal and protective, the crazy, humorous one.  Anorexia no longer defines me, and in the beginning stages of recovery, this greatly bothered me.  Since I had allowed the eating disorder to define me, I needed others to believe what I did.  The struggle to break free from other's perceptions of me, as well as my own beliefs about myself, was a long and hard fought battle, but it is a battle that I won.

There are times, however, when this redefinition complicates matters.  Though I have been strong in recovery, life has this way of unexpectedly throwing curveballs.  Sometimes, all of my skills are not enough to knock that ball out of the park.  Sometimes, I can't even get out of the way.  Sometimes, I just get hit, hit hard, hard enough to knock me over.

When this happens, I need people to remember what I once was.  I need them ask me how I am doing, how they can help.  I need them to call "bullshit" on me.  It's hard when people only see the new me, and forget that I had--have--an eating disorder.  I should be able to call "bullshit" on myself.  I should be able to ask for the help I need.  I should be stronger that anorexia.  Should-a, could-a, would-a: won't stop the ED.

To anyone who wishes that people wouldn't forget the struggle, remember that no one is ever alone.  That people seem to have forgotten the struggle is a compliment and testament to our recovery.  It is our job now to reach out and ask for what we need.  We cannot shrink into the eating disorder, regress into the little girls that we sometimes wish we were, and wait for others to rescue us.  We must rescue ourselves.  We cannot feel unworthy or unloved because others don't swoop in and comfort us.  We cannot let that be fuel for the ED.  We cannot let the ED thoughts stoke any sparks or flames burning.

Eating disorders thrive on disconnection.  We must maintain strong connections when we feel beaten up and knocked over.  In reaching out to others, we strengthen and build those connections with others.  We allow others to feel that they are helping, to feel important in our lives, and in return, they will give us the strength, support, and comfort that we seek.

So, I may be frustrated that people have forgotten I need help, but that doesn't mean I can allow that to stop me from getting the help I need.  ED needs me to retreat into myself.  It needs me to believe my friends don't care and don't love me.  That is calling out bullshit.

This morning I asked for help, and I got it.  My friends were there.  They listened.  They supported.  They didn't judge.  They thanked me for reaching out to them and for trusting them.  Our bond grew stronger.  Hopefully, this will make ED weaker.  Recovery is beautiful.  I don't need to be who I was, but who I am.

Cheers!

Frustrated

I have been in recovery for a little over two years now.  I have reached a point where I am eating intuitively, seeing my therapist less, and feeling strong and confident.  I am more present and connected that I have ever been.  I am trying new things, pushing new boundaries.  I am living a fuller life.

It's in these moments--the moments we least expect--that the eating disorder can sneak back into our lives.

I'm frustrated.  Frustrated that after all my posts about the joys of recovery and the art of tolerating distress that I sit at my keyboard tonight knowing that I am dangerously flirting with ED.  Frustrated that the eating disorder still has power in my life, that I relinquish power to the eating disorder.  Frustrated that I have caught myself thinking: it's okay; I can control this.  Frustrated because I am aware on a very conscious level that choosing not to eat enough is wrong and unhealthy, yet still choosing to restrict.   Frustrated because I keep telling myself how much I don't want the eating disorder even though there's that tiny part of me that cries out for it--and that tiny part always seems to win. Frustrated that the eating disorder thoughts become so real, so all-consuming, so very quickly.

Just eat, dammit--it's really that simple...isn't it?

If it is, and if only one month ago it was, then why has it become so hard?

I realize that the small stressors have collided with bigger stressors, creating an environment ripe for an eating disorder.  The intense emotions and whirling thoughts create so much noise; combine that noise with an intense fear of losing control and it's no surprise struggles occur.

It's up to me to choose the next step along this path. That's a challenge when the eating disorder begins to accomplish what it was needed for in the first place--coping.  I need to take the road not taken, the path that I usually avoid, in favor of the well-worn path.  It's frightening and unsettling, but if I am to succeed in recovery I must be willing tolerate the discomfort.

What is most frustrating is that I can be so aware of all this, yet still struggle to make the right choice, illustrating to me that I may not have all the answers, just yet.  So, until I can figure it all out, I will just keep fighting because recovery really, truly is worth it.

Cheers!