Growing strong in recovery makes people forget the struggles of the eating disorder. People see how well I eat, how confident I have become, how happy, joyful, and fulfilled I am. The fragile, emotional ghost of my past seems to fade into the distance. I have become redefined in many people's minds.
Most of the time, this redefinition is wonderful. I am no longer perceived as "the anorexic" or "the sick one." I am me--the sensitive, caring one, the one who is loyal and protective, the crazy, humorous one. Anorexia no longer defines me, and in the beginning stages of recovery, this greatly bothered me. Since I had allowed the eating disorder to define me, I needed others to believe what I did. The struggle to break free from other's perceptions of me, as well as my own beliefs about myself, was a long and hard fought battle, but it is a battle that I won.
There are times, however, when this redefinition complicates matters. Though I have been strong in recovery, life has this way of unexpectedly throwing curveballs. Sometimes, all of my skills are not enough to knock that ball out of the park. Sometimes, I can't even get out of the way. Sometimes, I just get hit, hit hard, hard enough to knock me over.
When this happens, I need people to remember what I once was. I need them ask me how I am doing, how they can help. I need them to call "bullshit" on me. It's hard when people only see the new me, and forget that I had--have--an eating disorder. I should be able to call "bullshit" on myself. I should be able to ask for the help I need. I should be stronger that anorexia. Should-a, could-a, would-a: won't stop the ED.
To anyone who wishes that people wouldn't forget the struggle, remember that no one is ever alone. That people seem to have forgotten the struggle is a compliment and testament to our recovery. It is our job now to reach out and ask for what we need. We cannot shrink into the eating disorder, regress into the little girls that we sometimes wish we were, and wait for others to rescue us. We must rescue ourselves. We cannot feel unworthy or unloved because others don't swoop in and comfort us. We cannot let that be fuel for the ED. We cannot let the ED thoughts stoke any sparks or flames burning.
Eating disorders thrive on disconnection. We must maintain strong connections when we feel beaten up and knocked over. In reaching out to others, we strengthen and build those connections with others. We allow others to feel that they are helping, to feel important in our lives, and in return, they will give us the strength, support, and comfort that we seek.
So, I may be frustrated that people have forgotten I need help, but that doesn't mean I can allow that to stop me from getting the help I need. ED needs me to retreat into myself. It needs me to believe my friends don't care and don't love me. That is calling out bullshit.
This morning I asked for help, and I got it. My friends were there. They listened. They supported. They didn't judge. They thanked me for reaching out to them and for trusting them. Our bond grew stronger. Hopefully, this will make ED weaker. Recovery is beautiful. I don't need to be who I was, but who I am.
Cheers!
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