It's been almost two months since I have blogged. When last I wrote, I had tripped in recovery, succumbing to maladaptive coping mechanisms: restricting, isolating, and self-deprecating thoughts. For a little while, at least, I was hell-bent on self-destruction, getting high on hunger and the illusion of control. Anorexia seemed easier than the hurricane of emotions I was experiencing.
My therapist pointedly explained that for the first time since finishing treatment, I was experiencing sufficient turmoil to trigger relapse. This turmoil was my first true test of recovery: could I apply the skills I've learned and maintain recovery, or would I succumb to old habits and relapse? I've never been one who accepts failure easily, so I didn't allow the latter to occur. I may have tripped, but I caught myself before falling.
From this, I learned that my health and recovery affect so many around me. When I am struggling, I forget how others rely on me and that I play an important role in others' lives. When I am sick, I perceive the world in such a narrow, limited way, focusing only on my self-hatred and need for self-destruction. I want to numb my pain, and in those moments, that's all that matters.
The problem with this way of thinking is that I cannot separate my life from those who share my life with me. If I am not healthy, both in mind and body, I cannot be there for others as they deserve me to be and others cannot be there for me in the way I deserve. To isolate myself in order to feed the anorexia, I push away my husband, family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, and students. My skills, talents, nurturing, kindness, empathy, creativity, and intelligence cannot be shared with those I care about most.
Margaret Cho has said that having self-esteem is an act of resistance. I agree. Loving myself enough to fight for recovery is a bold act. There will always be tough times, the rain will fall. However, the sun will eventually shine brightly again. I have learned that I am valuable in this world, my gifts and talents enjoyed by others. I cannot allow my fears and self-doubt to steal me away from life. Finally, after all of these years, I passed the test, and here still, I stand.
Cheers!
