Fat is Not a Feeling

Before reading this post, take a moment and think about all the words that come to mind when thinking of the word fat.  If necessary, write all these words down; they may come in handy while reading.

"Melissa, how are you feeling today?"  says my doctor.

"Fat," I respond.

"Fat is not a feeling," states the doctor.

"Yes, it is.  You ask me how I feel, and I feel fat.  Therefore, it's a feeling."

"Happy. Scared. Sad.  Those are feelings, not fat.  Fat is a descriptor," Doctor iterates, with frustration.

"Well, fat describes my feelings quite well," I quip.  End of discussion.

This was me, some fifteen or more years ago when I first entered treatment.  In my mind, fat WAS a feeling, and convincing me otherwise was futile.  Doctors, therapists, and nutritionists may have assailed me with facts and logic, but my logic was irrefutable in my mind, and thus, I shut my ears to any other notion.  Eventually, I tired of the arguing, and switched tactics.  No longer did I feel fat; I was fat--I had become what I felt.

(This is a good time to glance at mental or physical notes you took prior to reading this.)

I comprehend now, of course, that fat is NOT a feeling, nor is it a state of being.  Fat is simply an adjective for overweight, but the complexity of this word's meaning extends far beyond the dictionary.  For countless years, fat meant many, many horrible things: lazy, stupid, unattractive, unlovable, imperfect, flawed, dumpy, unlikable, miserable, unworthy, damaged, gross, disgusting, shameful, out of control, and much, much more.  Each time my doctors asked me how I felt, I couldn't think of a single feeling that could comprise all of these fears; fat was the only word that seemed to sum it up succinctly.

The more I became entrenched within the eating disorder, the more I believed I had become all those things that I feared most.  Feeling fat became being fat.  Recovery meant the possibility of having to embrace these horrible qualities about myself.  If I stayed small, I could avoid all those fears; I wouldn't have to be all of those things.  However, gaining weight, in my mind, meant the very real possibility that others would view me in the ways that I defined fat.  Every time I cried over another pound gained, I was crying at my fear of becoming unlovable, unattractive, dumpy, or imperfect.  All of these fears are lies I told myself, lies that I fabricated to avoid gaining weight and to avoid the expectations that I believed others had of me.  Surely, if I believed all of this about fat, others did too.  Being emaciated contained my world, my fears, and having to live up to expectation---it also caged my world so small that I could not enjoy and truly live life.

Entering recovery will mean gaining the necessary pounds to support the weight of a fulfilling life.  Taking up more space in the world will not make me "fat" (AKA: dumpy, unlovable, gross, shameful, etc...).  In recovery, I have come to understand the feelings within me.  Some days I am sad because I feel left out.  Some days I am angry because someone did something hurtful to me.  Other days I am incredibly happy because I just belly-laughed so hard I ache.  If I find myself feeling fat, I need to stop and check my feelings.  I'm not really feeling fat; I'm feeling something else, something that I cannot quite name.  Maybe I'm feeling an emotion that brings me shame for feeling--like jealousy, and because it bothers me so much to feel it, I resort to feeling fat, which feels a hell of a lot less shameful than envy.  Maybe I feel fat because I'm having trouble expressing to someone how he/she hurt me.  No matter what the underlying feeling is, I must figure it out.  Allowing myself to feel fat puts me at risk for all the negative and dangerous thoughts that surround believing that I am fat; it sets me up for relapse.  Though it may be so much easier to feel fat and restrict away that "feeling," it won't solve the problem.  Never has and never will.  Anorexia feeds the problem and then locks it away.

Think about all the words you associate with fat and think of how that word affects your recovery.  What do you need to do in order to get in touch with the feelings underneath "fat?"

Cheers!