Who am I without my eating disorder?
This is a question that plagued me throughout treatment as I began to loosen my grip on the eating disorder. After spending years trapped within body image hell, I had slowly allowed the size of my body to define who I was. I perceived who I was with what I looked like. I was convinced that by changing my size, I was changing me--that growing larger would ostracize me from my friends and that they couldn't possibly accept a me that took up more space. I was the "small" one. I was the "picky-eater," the "finicky-eater," the one who "ate like a bird." My size and eating behaviors defined my status within the world. Without that, I was nobody.
Except, I wasn't nobody; I was me. As I gained health and pounds, people started commenting--not on my size, but on my personality. I began hearing things like, "you look happier," "it's nice having you back again," and "you seem to glow." But, how could that possibly be? Who was this me people seemed to know so well? None of this made sense because the person I thought I knew was slowly disappearing and this new, awkward, bigger being was taking its place.
For those of us who have struggled with eating disorders since adolescence, making peace with our true identity is challenging. Our teen years should have been the time to explore who we are, to delve into our identities, so we could emerge into adulthood, transformed. For us, the eating-disordered, we lost this precious opportunity for self-exploration. We mistakenly allowed the eating disorder to usurp our identity.
But, an eating disorder is not an identity--it is a cloak, one that shields us from seeing and seeking the truth. We cling to the eating disorder thinking that it defines us, not realizing that it prevents us from expressing our true identity. At some point, we have to be willing to let it go and take the risks we may not have taken in our adolescence. We must learn who we are and what it is we enjoy. If we cling to the eating disorder identity as a reason not to recover, what we are really conveying is that we fear what is lurking beneath the eating disorder; we fear ourselves and who we really are or may become. The eating disorder saves us from failing, from having to make choices that ultimately could lead to error or pain. When we ask ourselves who am I without the eating disorder, we are really asking ourselves am I willing to expose the real me to the world and to myself?
Slowly, I am learning to embrace my true identity. I am a teacher, friend, wife, daughter, and crazy cat lady. I am a good friend, but sometimes I say the wrong things. I'm a good listener, but sometimes, I don't know how to assert my own needs. I can be overly sarcastic and a bit of a know-it-all. I have a great smile. I'm definitely a reader, and I'm working on a being a writer. I am me--a little of this, and a little of that. I can't define myself with one word, just as no one can be so limitedly defined. Certainly, I am not my eating disorder. I am more than a number on the scale and more than a clothing size.
A puzzle is made up of hundreds or thousands of pieces; one piece cannot make up the whole. Anorexia is only one piece of my puzzle; there remains thousands of other pieces that define me, that create who I am. I refuse to allow one piece to represent all of me. You should do the same. Embrace all of the pieces that make you uniquely and beautifully you. Putting together this puzzle is the joy in the journey.
Cheers!
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