Frustrated

I have been in recovery for a little over two years now.  I have reached a point where I am eating intuitively, seeing my therapist less, and feeling strong and confident.  I am more present and connected that I have ever been.  I am trying new things, pushing new boundaries.  I am living a fuller life.

It's in these moments--the moments we least expect--that the eating disorder can sneak back into our lives.

I'm frustrated.  Frustrated that after all my posts about the joys of recovery and the art of tolerating distress that I sit at my keyboard tonight knowing that I am dangerously flirting with ED.  Frustrated that the eating disorder still has power in my life, that I relinquish power to the eating disorder.  Frustrated that I have caught myself thinking: it's okay; I can control this.  Frustrated because I am aware on a very conscious level that choosing not to eat enough is wrong and unhealthy, yet still choosing to restrict.   Frustrated because I keep telling myself how much I don't want the eating disorder even though there's that tiny part of me that cries out for it--and that tiny part always seems to win. Frustrated that the eating disorder thoughts become so real, so all-consuming, so very quickly.

Just eat, dammit--it's really that simple...isn't it?

If it is, and if only one month ago it was, then why has it become so hard?

I realize that the small stressors have collided with bigger stressors, creating an environment ripe for an eating disorder.  The intense emotions and whirling thoughts create so much noise; combine that noise with an intense fear of losing control and it's no surprise struggles occur.

It's up to me to choose the next step along this path. That's a challenge when the eating disorder begins to accomplish what it was needed for in the first place--coping.  I need to take the road not taken, the path that I usually avoid, in favor of the well-worn path.  It's frightening and unsettling, but if I am to succeed in recovery I must be willing tolerate the discomfort.

What is most frustrating is that I can be so aware of all this, yet still struggle to make the right choice, illustrating to me that I may not have all the answers, just yet.  So, until I can figure it all out, I will just keep fighting because recovery really, truly is worth it.

Cheers!