Myths about Recovery

I have learned the hard way about the following:

Myth #1: Once I complete treatment,  I'm recovered.

    Ha! I actually fell into the trap of believing this one.  I believed that because I followed a meal plan and went to therapy that I was doing well.  Outwardly, it may have appeared that way.  However, I was by no means being honest with myself.  Though I wasn't weighing myself, I was using my small clothing to keep me at the lowest end of healthy I could be.  My jeans became the new scale.  

    I maintained a strict exercise schedule.  Even though I was following my exercise prescription perfectly, I was simply amping up the intensity, working out through physical pain and illness (I still remember running a 5K on the treadmill, grabbing the machine for dear life because I had vertigo--dumb ass!).  

    I ate only "healthy" foods, lying to myself that it was an attempt at health.  Not only that, but I lived on the same meal plan.  

    I maintained strict eating rituals. I continued to isolate. I wouldn't ask for help.  I didn't explore new interests or opportunities.  I didn't seek a new identity.  I was striving for "perfection" in every aspect of life.  I was purposefully, in more ways that just food, keeping my world small--tiny, contained, and controlled. 

    Needless to say, relapse was inevitable.

Myth #2: I'm recovered when I am maintaining a healthy weight.

    If I'm berating myself on a daily basis, refusing to wear shorts or bathing suits, adamant about NOT having my photo taken, dropping weight because, well, that's something that miraculously happens every January, weighing myself to ensure that I'm not gaining weight, refusing to eat or drink certain things, terrified of eating at certain times, refusing to eat around people, over-exercising to make up for eating, comparing my body to every woman's I see and then hating myself all the more, or hiding out at home....I am not recovered.  No matter what the scale says.

Myth #3: I am  too old to recover. I've had an eating disorder for too long to recover.  

   Glad I never listened to that one.  In hospital, I remember seeing a fifty-six year old who ended up in treatment every year.  She was excited because, for the first time in years, she didn't need to be tubed in order to begin recovery.  I also remember a seventy-something year old woman who was receiving treatment for the very first time.

   Many may look at these two examples as proof that one, once too old, will not recover; however, I see these women differently.  I see hope and this unyielding desire never to give up until one day recovery is theirs.  If I tell myself that I'm too old or that I've had it for too long, what I'm really saying is that I'm too scared of failure to try.

Myth #4: I've been in therapy or treatment for FOREVER; there's nothing new to learn.  I know what to do, but I just don't do it.

   This mantra played on repeat in my head.  In fact, one of my therapists once told me this very thing!  The problem with this thinking is that if I truly did know it all, I would have recovered long, long ago.  

   I excelled at my eating disorder.  I read about it, studied it, became a true expert in it.  However, I was kidding myself at thinking that my studies were about recovery.  I was learning how to get better at the eating disorder.  I never actually applied the things that would stop the eating disorder.  I tuned out the strategies for recovery.  I overlooked the meaning behind what my treatment team was attempting to teach me.  I filtered the information through the lens of the eating disorder, so yes, there was a LOT more I needed to learn--about recovery, that is.  I wasn't doing what I was told because honestly, I didn't want to get better.

Myth #5: I can maintain recovery and still___________________ (fill in the blank with choice of poison).

    Skip lunch today?  Run an extra ten minutes?  Do a detox?  Eat diet foods?  Ignore my hunger cues?  Look for pictures of skinny women?  Soak up Dr. Phil episodes with emaciated anorexics on them?  Read pro-ana blogs?  Save and look at "skinny photos" of a sick me?

    Here's the thing: I've been in recovery for so long, and now, recovery is really easy.  The problem is that I get cocky sometimes and think I can maintain recovery even when engaging in very triggering activities.  Most of the time I'm fine, and everything has a way of balancing out.  Other times,  I amaze myself at how fast a negative emotion can ignite eating disorder symptoms.  Recovery means disengaging in harmful behaviors and thoughts.  I am kidding myself if I think I can be immune to things that kept me sick for so long.  Being honest with myself and loved ones keeps me on the straight and narrow.

Cheers!

Have you encountered any other myths you'd like to add?  

Please comment below.